2010-02-17 » Cucumbers - Scourge of the galaxy

vomit inducing cucumber

Most people who read this probably already know about my intense dislike of the disgusting fruit known as the “cucumber”. The mere smell is enough to cause me to expend great effort to keep my lunch where it belongs. I seem to be able to sense its evil presence from a significant distance. I imagine it is the same feeling Obiwan felt when Alderaan was destroyed. A great well of evil rolled into an ugly green fruit. Something that truly does not belong in any reasonable universe.

I have long wondered why it is only I that can sense the inherent evil of this fruit so many pretend to enjoy. A little bit of research (read: Wikipedia) indicates that the reason is that most people are simply not very good at detecting Phenylthiocarbamide. Related to that might be the fact that I hang around people who drink a lot of coffee and tea, and those people are statistically less likely to be able to taste PTC. Apparently I am part of “a small but vocal minority” of people who experience cucumbers as “a highly repugnant taste”. I am being oppressed by the tyrannical silent majority!

So I’ve come up with a few “facts” that I hope will help you realize just how dangerous cucumbers really are. The majority of people who:

  • get bitten by sharks
  • are involved in plane crashes
  • listen to Rick Astley

are part of this majority for whom cucumbers are not repugnant, and have likely even enjoyed eating them. So please consider that next time you think it’s a good idea to eat a cucumber. The more cucumbers you eat the more likely you are to have some sort of horrific accident. Especially if you’re anywhere near me. Also be aware that I’m not afraid to crank up the Rick Astley in order to get you and your cucumbers to leave!

I’m sure that now that you’ve seen the light, you’ll never eat another cucumber. On behalf of those of us non-PTC-challenged: thank you! We appreciate it! I suggest you eat a non-repugnant carrot instead.